Words To Live by From Kyra Evans...

Last year I started compiling in a notebook, quotes from podcasts, interviews, and Instagram posts that struck a chord with me and gave me strength when I was facing difficult circumstances. In the hopes that they may be as beneficial to you as they were and still are to me, I will share them with you in my blog.

Kyra Evans describes herself as a writer and a certified mindfulness Instructor, here are some advices from her that can make a huge difference in your life, these are every day things that we all go through. Helping you find your voice and speak confidently from the heart is her goal. Let's dive right into her words.

Have you ever felt hyper-attuned to the moods of those around you?

When anyone around me is in a bad mood, I get a horrible, sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Do you automatically suspect it’s because something you have done or haven’t done well enough?

It’s like - impending doom. Everything in the world comes to a screeching halt. Suddenly, all there is THE MOOD. Many of us are hyper attuned to other people’ mood. We believe other people’ moods are always a reflection of how well we have done or failed to do. We look at other people’ moods to determine whether we can feel, safe, wanted, and worthy. In this sense other people’s moods have greater authority over our emotional states than our own moods. We wait to know how we feel until we can determine how those around us feel first. With the stakes so high, it’s no wonder why so many of us fawn in response to someone being in a bad mood. But here is the thing, other people’ moods are not an indication of our worth. They are simply an indication of another person’s experience. Crazy but true, other people’s moods are actually not our responsibility. News flash: it is not our job to make sure that good things happen and to prevent bad things from happening so that everyone remains happy all the time.

It’s the center of my experience. Because I’ve spent so much of my life focused outward, scanning other people’s moods, I also have this charming bad mood paranoia. I read into body language, tone of voice, facial expressions, constantly trying to spot who’s mad at me. It’s not my favorite part about being Kyra, I’ll tell you that much. In the past few years, I ‘ve been learning a lot about recovering from codependency. And while I have yet to master this skill, I am aware that it is possible to be near someone who is in a bad mood, and yet not feel as though it’s my job to fix it.⠀⠀⠀⠀

I know, right? Imagine that. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

Today, when I’m around someone who is in a bad mood, EVEN WHEN I’M PRETTY SURE IT’S BECAUSE OF ME, I’m practicing making my first action a pause. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

I pause and notice the swirling, blaring car alarm, epic dumpster fire erupting in my chest. And rather than trying to fawn my way out of the situation, or repress the dumpster fire feeling… I say to it: “Hi. I see you there.” ⠀⠀⠀⠀

It sounds small but it’s amazing what can take place when you look straight at the things you’ve been most afraid of. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

The fact is that other people’s moods are… theirs. They are not an indicator of our worth, but rather an indicator of another person’s experience. And that’s it. 🤯

Do you ever spend too much time worrying about other people’s reactions?

It’s not your job to manage other people’ reactions to your decisions. Often, we get so caught up in performing the emotional unpaid labor of making sure that everyone else is okay, with what we think, feel, and choose that we lose sight of how WE feel about it. So much so, that we will even choose something or avoid choosing something based on how much emotional labor we anticipate we will need to perform to make sure everyone else feels okay about what we choose. Beyond making sure that we are not putting someone in danger, or being offensive, or insensitive, it is never our job to manage anyone else’s reaction to our decisions. Our job is to be self-aware enough to understand that their opinions about our decisions are theirs alone, and that no one else is responsible for helping them manage their response.

My birthday is next week, and I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want to leave behind as I enter the next year of my life. What’s coming up for me right now is this: I don’t want to spend any more time worrying that someone is going to get mad at me.

Like - how much time have I cumulatively spent over the years, fretting over someone else’s future reaction? Lots.

In fact, I would even say that I’ve spent more time worrying about who might be mad about my decisions than I’ve spent time thinking about how my decisions might make ME feel.

Maybe you can relate. When we’re stuck in this kind of loop, we think we’re doing the right thing because:

We know that we like to make the people around us happy and comfortable and so naturally we want to consider them.

We know that when someone disagrees with us, we will want to pour all kinds of emotional labor into defending our stance and managing their reactions. So, we weigh the pros and cons on what will cost us more: Choosing what they want and not having to explain, or choosing what we want and having to defend?

Here’s the thing: Yes, of course it’s good to consider how our actions affect others. But beyond making sure that no one is in danger and we’re not being offensive or insensitive, we don’t need to defend our decisions to anyone.

It’s our job to make the decision. It is not our job to manage other people’s reactions to our decisions. In this final year of my thirties, I want to see what might happen if I shift the balance, to think first and foremost about MY response to a decision.

How many times have you stayed quiet in the heat of the moment, walked away, and THEN thought of all the things you wish you’d said?

If you’re like me, my guess is: A LOT. In my opinion, we do this because we’ve made a habit of holding back from speaking our truth until we have UNDENIABLE PROOF that we are “right”. The tricky thing is that when it comes to feelings, there is no right or wrong. They just ARE. Proof never comes.

And so, we stay silent, leave the conflict, and then call up 65 friends and family members to rehash every detail in an attempt to prove to ourselves that we were right. Sound familiar?

It’s not actually fear of conflict that keeps many of us from speaking up. It’s that we don’t trust our perception of events to stand up for it. We’re afraid that we are wrong, and that if we assert ourselves, we will be rejected too. we think maybe I misunderstood “Maybe I am being too sensitive. Maybe I am not remembering correctly. We need external evidence or validation of our perception before we allow ourselves to believe what we feel. What we don’t realize is that how we feel can never be right or wrong. It just is. The truth is this: even if no one else feels the way you do or sees what you see, you are still allowed to voice your perspective and to stand up for yourself. Notice that the people in your life with whom you struggle most do not wait until they have proof, they are right before speaking up. They take up the airspace of full human, regardless of what anyone else says. Guess what you are allowed to do the same.

In recent years, I started the habit of just speaking from my heart regardless of whether I had external proof that I was “right”. It’s fucking awesome. It feels really good and freeing. Less regret. Less resentment. More empowerment and self-trust. I want this for you too.

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You can find more about Kyra Evans by visiting her website https://www.kyraevans.com/ and her Instagram account @kyra_evans_writer where she shares almost daily, a life changing content that will help you develop into the best version of yourself. ⠀⠀

Yours Truly,

The Queen Of Africa⠀⠀