Dying To Be Me!

I believe there is nothing more painful than not being able to be Your true self. The You that you know deep down You are, the You who is screaming to come out but a You, you are certain that people around you will never accept because it does not fit the image they have assigned to you.

Few years ago, I came across a book titled "Dying To Live" and those words got me thinking a lot because I felt that way and they made me pay more attention to that loud voice inside me telling me that I am meant to be more, I can do more and I must experience life to the fullest, if only I remove all the invisible mental shackles I've put on me, shackles that are society expectations of who I should be.

I remember when I was a teenager around 14 years of age, I wanted to buy a pretty white dress with black dots that I saw in a shop, it was such an elegant outfit, my first decision about what I was wearing, my dad gave me the money to purchase it without question, I was ecstatic. But the moment my mother saw the dress she disapproved completely and made me return to the shop to exchange it for a dress she judged more fitting for me. I recall all the times I disappointed her with my actions and by vocalizing my thoughts, she always wanted me to be more like her, and sometimes I would get so ANGRY at her, and in not-so-nice words, I would tell her this is ME, I am not you, but every time our family members walked into our fights, I was automatically the bad guy, blamed and judged harshly for disrespecting my mother, who gave me life, and no one cared about the specifics or my feelings. For a long time, I resented her for it, but now that I'm older, I realize she wanted and always wanted the best for me, albeit on her own terms.

When you spend your formative years in an environment that constantly disapproves of you, that negative energy becomes internalized and can hinder you from living in accordance with your innermost desires. Even if you consider yourself a nonconformist, repeatedly hearing certain phrases over time can become ingrained in your psyche and subconsciously prevent you from living on your own terms.

I also remember a story my mother told me about one of my aunts, who was coerced by her father to marry an elderly man when she was young. During that era, it was unthinkable for women to refuse their father's wishes, and they were devoid of any autonomy or personal agency. As a result, she was compelled to marry the old man and resented him for the rest of their lives, despite having three children together. Her story is a powerful example of how societal and cultural expectations can have serious consequences on individual lives.

I often wonder why anyone should be born into this world only not be allowed to express their individuality? Why should we not live wherever we want or do whatever we want, as long as we don't harm anyone else? I'm so tired of these arbitrary rules, and even though it will be a long journey, I refuse to be on my deathbed wishing I should have been more me than I ever allowed myself to be. My heart breaks for all those people who die with dreams inside them and those who were never given the freedom to dream in the first place. The mere thought of them makes my heart ache for them and everyone else who is now living in such circumstances.

The societal expectations and pressures to conform can lead to feelings of suffocation, frustration, and even suicide in some extreme cases. It's critical to recognize and heed that inner voice imploring you to break free and be true to yourself.

Living authentically requires courage and self-acceptance. It means accepting yourself for who you are and embracing your unique qualities and characteristics. It also means understanding that not everyone will accept or understand you, and that's okay.

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Yours Truly,

The Queen Of Africa