From Dependency to Empowerment: Embracing Help while Finding Your Own Path

Are you familiar with the expression that the hand that gives is above the hand that takes? Although English is not my native or official language, when I came across this thought-provoking saying, it deeply resonated with me, unveiling things that weren’t obvious to me for many years and I'd like to expand on it further by sharing a personal story.

In my early twenties, I found myself being the least successful among my friends, especially when it came to financial matters. At the age of 16, my father, who was the breadwinner of our family, fell ill, and our financial situation drastically changed overnight. Since he had not prepared any contingency plans for such a situation, our lives were turned upside down.

As my friends began leaving the country one by one to study abroad, my dreams of doing the same were shattered. I felt as if my world had exploded. I was broke, emotionally shattered, and my self-image and confidence took a serious blow. Moreover, I started witnessing a different side of people who used to be kind to us when my father was healthy and successful. However, that's a topic for another day.

During this difficult time, I had a friend, whom I'll call Amal, who was always there for me—or so I thought. I still remember one New Year's Eve when I couldn't afford a new outfit, and Amal provided me with one. When she left for the USA, she would occasionally send me money, perfumes, and bags. Alongside her, I had other friends who helped me out from time to time.

I took on various jobs that paid me pitiful salaries and eventually managed to open a cosmetic store with my savings and some assistance from an uncle. But still I could not afford to maintain the same lifestyle as my friends and depended on them to cover a large portion of my expenses whenever we went out. What I totally failed to realize at that time, due to my lack of knowledge and experience, was the detrimental impact that constant financial help can have on one's psyche. I experienced feelings of despair, shame, envy, and constantly wondered why God seemed to love others more than me. I truly believed my friends were lucky, chosen and that I was not, from the outside everything seemed to be working out for them. It felt like life would always be that way for me.

In Guinea, mediocrity is often justified by attributing wealth to luck or divine intervention. A lot of people believed that the rich were chosen and destined to be so, and as the poor, we would be rewarded in heaven upon our death. Which I never understood, while I aspired to go to heaven, I also yearned for my own slice of happiness in this world.

Fast forward a few years later, I relocated to Malaysia where I eventually secured a job. For the first time in my life, I could afford to dine in restaurants, go to the cinema, visit coffee shops, and even buy plane tickets and accommodation to travel like my friends. These newfound experiences gradually restored my self-confidence.

However, when I first arrived in Malaysia, I was in a precarious financial situation, and both my sister and Amal stepped in to help. Amal went above and beyond by buying me my first laptop. We used to spend hours talking on the phone, but I gradually realized that our conversations primarily revolved around her and her own achievements. I noticed that she didn't show much interest in my life, and whenever I shared my own accomplishments, she would dismiss them or question the source of my success. Through introspection and self-reflection, I came to understand that, despite her acts of kindness, she didn't want me to break free from the cycle of dependency. She couldn't accept that I had gained economic power and was now able to afford things I previously couldn't. She never truly listened to me as an individual and believed that I had nothing interesting to contribute to our conversations. Her tendency was always to steer the discussion.

I am incredibly grateful for the kindness Amal showed me, as her help always arrived when I needed it the most. However, I now realize that these acts of kindness were not without strings attached. I wasn't meant to escape the position of needing assistance.

The purpose of this blog post is not to criticize Amal as a friend. Instead, it is a reminder that it is completely acceptable to accept assistance when you find yourself in a position of need and despair, but it is crucial not to allow yourself to become mentally dependent on that.

Our minds hold immense power, and by focusing our energy on finding ways to liberate ourselves financially, we attract ideas, resources, opportunities, and individuals who can aid us on our journey. Needing a helping hand does not diminish your value as a person, don't attach your self-worth to your current circumstances. We all stumble at times, life can be unpredictable and harsh, and having genuine cheerleaders in our corner is essential. These individuals don't want to give us a fish every day but will go out of their way to teach us how to fish.

And when we choose to extend help, let's always pause and check our intentions: is it an act driven by the need to showcase superiority, or does it genuinely come from a place of love and care? True assistance should aim to uplift and elevate the lives of others, no perpetuating dependency. Let's empower individuals to stand on their own feet and find their own paths to success. By offering genuine support, guidance, and opportunities, we can help others discover their own capabilities and unlock their full potential.

Thank you for taking the time to read my personal story and reflections. Together, let's create a world where acts of kindness come from a place of genuine compassion and helping others soar to new heights. The true measure of our generosity lies not in the frequency or size of the gifts we give, but in the lasting impact we have on someone's life.

With my all heart,

Salima