Disappointing them or disappointing myself?

"Disappointing them or disappointing myself, that is the question." The million - dollar sanity question.

It’s been a minute since my last post and the last couple of days, I have been journaling diligently in the morning, working on myself, doing the inner work, being still, asking powerful questions and waiting for the responses to come up. While on this journey, it hit me that my tendency to people please is still alive and well in some parts of my life and that it is taking a significant mental toll on me. Which led me to examine in depth what isn’t working in those areas of my life, I started paying more close attention to my feelings and asking myself: Where do I feel trapped, annoyed, inconvenienced, irritated? What feels bad right now?

Several stories came to mind, where I left myself down recently and I had to confront my people-pleasing personality head-on. I didn’t like that side of myself, and here are a few examples to illustrate why:

Giving My Phone Number

A few weeks ago, on my way to work, I met a man who claimed to be from my home country. We started chatting in my mother tongue, and he quickly asked for my phone number. My immediate thought was to say no, but my brain insisted that he might think I’m arrogant and that I’d offend him. Against my better judgment, I gave in and regretted it almost immediately. He bombarded me with messages, asking personal questions and calling me late at night, even initiating video calls. I avoided WhatsApp out of fear he would see me online and start calling. Eventually, I had to block his number when he called me at 2 AM.

Purchasing Something Unplanned

I saw an ad for a discounted facial session, and since it had been years since my last one, I decided to go. During the session, the beautician started asking me questions, pretending to be interested in my life while trying to convince me to buy other packages. Although I knew this was part of his marketing strategy, I ended up paying for another session despite not being satisfied with the service. On my way home, I was beating myself up over the purchase—it didn’t sit well with me.

Other People's Priorities

I’ve found myself getting involved in other people's poorly planned lives, feeling obligated to help and be available. Responsibilities that weren’t mine have turned into obligations, leaving me feeling trapped and needing to over-explain why I couldn’t help this time. I started experiencing PTSD-like symptoms whenever I received calls or messages from these individuals, fearing the fallout of breaking these so-called friendships, which I realized wouldn’t yield anything positive even after a thousand years. I had to question what was wrong with me for getting into these situations.

The Cost of Letting Myself Down

Everything has a price and people pleasing is not different. The cost of always letting myself down because I’m not being my true self is heavy. Each time I prioritize others' expectations or wants over my own needs, I chip away at my own sense of self-worth. This continuous self-betrayal leaves me feeling unfulfilled, anxious, and disconnected from who I really am. The mental and emotional strain of living a life that doesn’t align with our true self have profound effects, that lead to constant self-doubt and inner turmoil.

My Journey Towards Approval Detox

These couple of days, early in the morning, I embark on this journey to detox myself once and for all from seeking approval. I’m trying to understand why I act this way, digging deep to uncover the roots of my people-pleasing tendencies and setting boundaries to protect my authentic self. One thing is sure, I’m not responsible for how others feel when I express my true self. I’m not responsible for managing their lives or emotions.

When something doesn’t feel right, we shouldn’t do it, especially when we have the power to decide otherwise. In all these situations, I had the power to act differently and make better decisions but I didn't and paid the price. Ultimately, I had to ask myself: Who am I willing to disappoint—others or myself?

With all my heart,

Salima