A blessing In Disguise...

"You may not be able to control someone's negative behavior, but you can control how long you participate in it."

My self-development journey started totally by accident, when I found myself at one of the lowest points of my life. Before that incident, I've never heard of the word self-development. I had a manager let’s call her Roxie Rock, who I looked up to. She was everything I aspired to be as a woman. Eloquent when communicating orally and through emails, smart, she could think fast on her feet and could always see the big picture in any situation and comes up with solutions. And on top of that she was elegant and seemed to be able to hold herself in any room she walks in. But Roxie Rock was also damn moody and abusive, I did not know it was abuse then. When she walks in the office, by her facial expression you will guess the mood of the day.

I ignored all the red flags concerning our relationship, the sarcasm, the way she sometimes wanted to put me down, then a few minutes later gave me a pat on the back. Like a puppy I was happy when she was happy and would roll with it as long as her good mood lasted, I was totally blind to what was going on. But everyone has a breaking point, and one late afternoon I reached mine. We had a situation in office and at the same time her boyfriend was leaving the country forever, so she decided I was the perfect punching bag. When we had a meeting about that situation, she did not spare me neither the sarcasm nor the harsh words and ensure I was thoroughly humiliated by asking me to pass over the task to the new joiner. Funny things a few days later, that task came back to me because I was the only one who could handle that market, but that's a story for another day.

When I came out from that meeting I promised myself I would never again allow her to treat me that way. I went home cursing her and hating her guts so much that I was physically ill, I couldn't look at her face. For few days, I drove myself to brink of mental exhaustion by carrying so much hatred inside and allowing this lady to live rent free in my head. Then one day, while browsing through YouTube, I stumbled upon a Lisa Nichols video, I was attracted to the video by her magnetic screen presence and when she uttered these words - We are the ones who show people how to treat us, people only follow our example, that was my AHA moment. Everything felt into place. I could release the hate I was holding on too and finally breathe. I immediately grabbed my journal and came up with what I called a relationship autopsy, where I went all the way back to the beginning of my relationship with Roxie Rock and I took full responsibility for what happened to me. I was the one who positioned myself in a situation where someone would abuse me. I am the one who tolerated her swinging moods, her sarcasms, her harsh words and more importantly her lack of respect. She was not THE problem, I was my problem, since I can only change me. With every boundary I gave up in our relationship, she got more comfortable abusing me and using me as her punching bag every time she needed one.

Sitting down in front of that piece of paper, with that new knowledge was liberating. I learned that day that I have to pay attention to how people make me feel, which kind of energy and vibe I get in any relationship. And if the energy coming at me, is neither uplifting or nurturing, it only means one thing, I am not with my person.

Truly Yours

The Queen Of Africa