Prioritizing Yourself: Breaking Free from the People-Pleasing Trap

Don't invest in someone based on how much you like them. Invest based on how much they like you. - Matthew Hussey

People-pleasing is a very real and all-too-common trap that many of us fall into. It's a pattern where we prioritize other people's well-being and needs over our own, often believing that they deserve everything we have to give. In the process, we tend to shrink our true selves in their presence, trying to fit into their world instead of allowing our worlds to merge naturally.

The desire to please others and be accepted is natural to some extent, but when it becomes excessive, it can be detrimental to our own happiness and fulfillment. Constantly seeking validation from others and sacrificing our own needs can lead to a loss of our authentic self.

It's essential to recognize that healthy relationships should be built on mutual respect and understanding, with both parties acknowledging each other's individuality and uniqueness. Instead of molding ourselves to fit into someone else's world, we should aim to find people with whom our worlds can naturally come together.

I have been reading again this week, one of my favorite romance books - "STONE: Her Ruthless Enforcer: 50 Loving States, North Carolina" by Theodora Taylor (no judgment, please!) and there is this passage in the book where the main character, Naima, had an eye-opening moment where she realized that she had spent so much time trying to figure out what others wanted, but no one ever bothered to consider what she truly desired.

Reading that passage in the book, brought back the memory of a defining moment in my life, where sitting alone in my room I came to the same realization, I took a pen and paper, and started to dig deep into the dynamics of the relationships that I was involved in, it hit me then that when it came to friendships, I was the person who invested wholeheartedly in these connections, being attentive and always there for others, even at the expense of neglecting my own needs. I valued friendships more than anything, and definitively more than myself. I'd remember every detail of my friends’ life stories and the emotions they battled with, constantly there offering advice and support whenever they needed it.

But when the tables turned, and I needed someone to be there for me, I often found myself disappointed and feeling lonely. It seemed like my friends in those moments where I needed a shoulder or an ear, were too preoccupied with their own lives and romantic interests to give me even a fraction of the attention I had given them. It was disheartening to see how unbalanced some of my relationships were.

And the same pattern extended to another area of my life. I would have so much admiration for certain individuals because they are high achievers or successful at something or look and sound a certain way and I would overlook their negative behavior and just accept their moods, even if it meant ignoring my own boundaries. I would think so highly of them and so little of me, like they were some sort of chosen beings, and I was not. Those relationships would continue until I reached my breaking point and could not take any longer the dismissive tone, the moods, and the disrespect, it was like living life on someone's terms but the worse thing I would do to myself, I would move on to repeat the same pattern with a different person.

That day when I sat down, and did what I call a relationship autopsy, was a decisive turning point in my life, because that day I decided to clean up my environment and committed myself to this journey of self-discovery, since then I have learned although relationships are indeed crucial, they should not come at the cost of compromising my own standards and values. We have all heard the saying that your network is your net worth, but it is essential to set the bar higher and surround ourselves with people who genuinely appreciate and value our presence in their lives.

In recent years, I have made a conscious effort to put myself first, use my head to think and not let my emotions and old patterns guide me when it comes to relationships. Despite my innate caring nature as a Pisces, I have understood that caring deeply for others should not mean neglecting my own well-being. I choose only to invest my time, my care and my consideration in meaningful relationships. I no longer feel compelled to get involved in people' unnecessary drama or lend an ear to endless complaints if it takes a toll on my own emotional health.

Putting ourselves first does not make us selfish; it's rather an act of self-preservation and self-respect. It is having the courage to be real and being authentically, and unapologetically ourselves. It means setting limits and not compromising our values or well-being for the sake of gaining approval. Authentic connections are based on honesty and genuine care, where both parties can grow together without losing their individual essence.

So, if you find yourself trapped in the cycle of people-pleasing, take a moment to reflect on your own needs and desires. Remind yourself that your worth is not determined by others' acceptance or approval of you. True happiness comes from within, and embracing your true self will lead to more meaningful and fulfilling relationships in the long run. Don't be afraid to let go of the people-pleasing tendencies and the people and choose to step into the beautiful journey of self-discovery and self-acceptance.

With my all heart,

Salima